So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
