apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
