I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
