it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
