just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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