We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
