Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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