i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
