Your face is a jimmy john
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
