just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
