My cat gives me a boner
The best revenge is premature balding
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
