Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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