I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
