i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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