I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
