Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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