She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
