Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
