swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
