It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
