I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
