What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
