I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
