I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
where are you?
Hypothermia
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
