If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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