Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You pole danced in your parka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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