just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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