Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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