The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
