things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
