I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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