I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
