You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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