Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
