Life is so much better after having sex.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
