You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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