neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
