I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
