Got a toothbrush?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
