It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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