He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
