I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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