Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
