I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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