low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
no you cant smoke seaweed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
