Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
