I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
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Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have aggressive nipples.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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