You're my little dorito
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
