So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
