walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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