Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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