my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
