You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
4 words: hood of his car
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
