I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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