She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
