My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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