I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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