our cab driver is having phone sex.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
