the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
