And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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