Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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