she takes plan B like it's going out of style
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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